woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
