i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
