I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
