My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i think i just lost a toe
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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