well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
