He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
