I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
