I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
