someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this beer tastes like vomit already
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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