There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Say something about gay babies.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
