if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
