I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
