I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
