god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
