I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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