flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
