Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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