seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
