You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
