I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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