someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
