We named our party play list daddy issues
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
