What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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