I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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