worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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