I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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