Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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