I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
