I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
