please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
