While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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