Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
