Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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