I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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