The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
