We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
