I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
