finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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