i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
soo... how was my night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
