He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
