Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
