I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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