I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
