so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
