i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
