So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
