alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
