New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
