The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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