i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found a bag of teeth...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
