hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
