Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
