did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
