Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
